Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Six Outrageous Truths, One Outrageous Lie, or Vicey-Versey

http://pested.ifas.ufl.edu/newsletters/2009-01/grapefruit.jpgAll right. Usually I don't do this kind of shit, but the peer pressure is getting too intense. So at the insistence of Keith Rawson and Greg Bardsley I'm participating in a Meme. This one is "Six Outrageous Truths and One Outrageous Lie About Me," or else "Six Outrageous Lies and One Outrageous Truth About Me." You all get to decide which is which:

1. I used to know a guy, a friend of my girlfriend at the time, who claimed to have embalmed Lawrence Welk.
2. I once discussed the Manson Family murders and his 1977 rape conviction with Roman Polanski over dinner at a fancy French restaurant.
3. Groucho’s son, Arthur Marx, made this Grouchoesque comment about my first novel: “Very violent and disturbing. I read it in one sitting.” (That’s not verbatim, sorry, but that was the gist of it.)
4. My old cat Max was having a series of weird health problems, and finally the vet convinced me to allow exploratory surgery. As a result I owned the first cat diagnosed with Heliobacter pylori, the bacterium that causes ulcers in humans. Her veterinarian wrote and presented a scientific paper about her at some big vet’s conference. (The infection, oddly, was on the outer lining of her stomach, not the inside.)
5. The only bone I’ve ever broken was my skull.
6. When I was a teenager and still experimenting with masturbatory techniques, I made the mistake late one night of using dishwashing liquid as lubricant. The next morning in class I felt a very uncomfortable stinging situation in my pants and, upon retiring to the restroom, discovered that my penis had swollen to the size of a smallish grapefruit. Panicked, I got a sick pass and went home where, thankfully, the swelling subsided before I had to seek medical help for my difficult-to-explain condition. Big flakes of dried skin peeled off of it shortly thereafter, not unlike the aftereffect of a bad sunburn.
7. I once sat around in an LA hotel bar for a couple of hours discussing the music business with a very knowledgable gent, and when he left I asked the bartender “was that guy a record executive or a producer or something?” He looked at me, unsure of whether I was putting him on, then shook his head and said, “man, you’ve been drinking with Bobby Womack.” The great man came back the next night and told me he was helping the Stones pick a new bassist after the departure of Bill Wyman.

Leave your guesses in the comments and I'll reveal the truth in a few days.


  1. Ah yes, soapbatin'. That brings back memories. Burning, terrible memories.

  2. These are all true. You misunderstood the meme.

  3. Six very creative, plausible lies and one truth - Master B.

  4. #6 could be a short story called IT BURNS WHEN I PEE.

  5. I'm guessing the story about your cat Max. One, I don't really see you as someone who has a cat and two, the story stands out from the rest of them...

  6. I say the lie is No. 1 ... Meeting the guy who embalmed Lawrence Welk would be a Scott Phillips wet dream -- just too perfect.

  7. The lie is the soap story on a technicality - it wasn't as a teenager, it was last week

  8. It's 5. The steel plate in your skull was put there by the CIA

  9. I have to disqualify myself on the basis of inside information...I think I've heard all of these stories, except one, either from behind a glass of beer or in some other sundry circumstances.

    That lovely photo at the top of the post is a dead giveaway.


  10. It's Friday and I have more stuff (Smutty Americana!) to post next week, so I guess I'll cop to the lie: Kris, you got it, it's number 5. At the time of her exploratory surgery and historic diagnosis, Max belonged to my Aunt Nancy and Uncle John. The others are true. One true fact I forgot to put in: I once received a Direct Message on Twitter from Charlie Manson, correcting a factual error in a tweet. And I'm amazed how many guys have similar Soapsturbation stories.

  11. I never do meme's

    Actually I'm only here cause I'm a newby in the flash fiction thingy....

    But, as I'm here...what the hell eh?

    1. I knew a guy who was so supple in body he could give himself a blow job...and regularly did....oh dear..
    2. I'm sure I once saw Roman Polanski on a tube in London...but then again...I'm certain the guy in my local chip shop is Elvis...
    3. If your first novel was violent and disturbing I require a copy immediately...preferably signed...
    4. My wifey is a Microbiologist and also heavily involved with England's Cats Protection Charity. You have just amazed her...as has Max!!!
    5. The only bones I’ve ever broken was my skull, both legs, both arms, ankles x 2, collar bone, various fingers, various toes ad infinitum. Not all at the same time I hasten to add..
    6. You think that's bad? A pal of mine is known as Ralgex because he was told rubbing Ralgex onto his dick would produce a very nice sensation. Ralgex burns. I have never seen anything so funny in my life.
    7. Bobby Womack and you didn't know??? And you can sleep at night??? I've got Mick Ronson's leather jacket. He gave it me in '74 I think after a gig in Manchester. (Sadly it no longer fits me)

    Anyroad. I enjoyed my time here and - worryingly in the opinion of some I'll be back.

    Meantime I'd better have a read of your short story thingy. Bloody good standard up to now!!!

    cheers old bean